Things You Learn From Being An Erotic Masseuse

When we think of erotic Asian massages or see them on the big screen, it’s probably something to do with a dark, seedy looking parlour in the shady part of town and it’s always the sleazy old men that seem to go in. But what’s it like for the masseuse? We spoke to “Lucy”, an erotic masseuse who works for a company in London. From strange fetishes and weird customers to the wads of money, she spilled all…

5. Erotic Massage equipment isn’t sexy at all

In pornographic videos and sex scenes on film or TV, it always looks so sexy. The masseuse sensually dribbles oil between her hands and gently rubs it all over the client’s naked body. Then the pair slowly progress to become a naked tangle of oily limbs and the scene is accentuated with groans. The easy access for porn and the prevalence of erotic massages might have increased their popularity, but they aren’t as simple and sexy as they appear on the screen.

The majority of erotic massage customers prefer the masseuse to come to their hotel room or own home for privacy, and there won’t be any massage tables. Or if it is in a parlour, attempting a proper erotic massage on a table is very precarious. Masseuses perched on the edges of massage tables are susceptible to accidents which can either be hilarious or dangerous.

“Most of my clients have asked me to come to their houses or hotel rooms,” says Lucy. “Because they don’t usually own a professional massage table, I normally perform the massage on the bed or an air mattress. Beds sound comfy, but they’re so squishy, it’s difficult to properly massage someone and be sexy when you’re both sinking into the quicksand of cushions and blankets. And you also have to be careful not to spill any massage oil or gel onto the bedsheets.

“For that reason, I prefer air mattresses. But once, it popped during a nuru massage session. We didn’t notice until the client heard a faint air whistle. He thought I’d farted and wouldn’t believe me until he noticed it was a continuous sound and the mattress was drooping. It was a very mortifying two minutes.”

But it’s not just awkward situations of deflated air mattresses being mistaken for flatulence. Sometimes you face problems of ‘larger’ customers.

“I’ve massaged clients in their work office before, and there’s not really anywhere to do the massage but on the desk,” says Lucy. “One time, the client was a little larger than average and he was somewhat spilling over the edges. There’s really no easy way to ask him to reposition himself otherwise I was going to fall off the desk or dig my knees and elbows in, and he’ll have no choice but to enjoy it.

“So that was a difficult massage experience.”

4. Every client has their own level of tolerance

An erotic massage is one that uses a special series of movements that are designed to arouse the client and bring them to a pleasurable release of tensions (basically orgasms). But some people take longer to orgasm than others and when that happens, it can get a little bit awkward.

“Once, I had this client who just wouldn’t finish. I used so many techniques – you name it, I probably tried it – and my hand was cramping. I’ve never pulled out all the stops before,” says Lucy. “He was definitely excited, but his face didn’t show it. In the end, I had to stop and ask him what he wanted. He did eventually finish, but I thought the massage was never going to end. He did leave me a huge tip.”

And if you get people with high tolerances, you also get people with low tolerances. “One guy was so turned on, he finished as soon as I stroked him once. Seriously!” says Lucy. “And then he wouldn’t let me go near the area because he was too sensitive. We were only 20 minutes into the massage, so I had to give him a normal massage for the rest of the hour. Basically, he paid £130 for a 20 minute erotic massage session.”

3. Fetishes can be awkward

Massage companies also cater to fetishes and personal requests. A personalised experience really makes the erotic massage memorable. But sometimes, it can be more embarrassing than sexy.

“We do a Tie & Tease massage experience and it’s one of the most popular ones,” says Lucy. “Normally, it is very sexy and clients love it, because they’re blindfolded, tied up or handcuffed and it sends their senses into overdrive. One time, I had a really attractive customer and I wanted to impress him so I tried extra hard to please him.

“Unfortunately, I’d tied the knots a bit too tightly and was struggling to undo them. So there he was, splayed on the bed like a starfish and I couldn’t free him. I’ve never been so panicked during a session! Luckily, he was blindfolded so he didn’t realise. I did manage to loosen the knots in the end and he did seem to enjoy himself.”

Another customer was into ‘golden showers’ and Lucy wasn’t prepared. “I had to down about three glasses of water in the middle of the massage, and hope that it’d go through me quickly. It was more like a golden trickle rather than a shower.”

2. Sometimes you’ll see people you know from the pre-masseuse days

It’s not often, but there’s always the chance one of your clients is going to be someone you knew from before you were a masseuse. Lucy once encountered a guy who used to be one of her classmates from high school.

“I pretended not to recognise him and put on a strong Asian accent,” says Lucy. “He got undressed and lay there, fidgeting through the first half of the massage. Then he suddenly sat up and decided he couldn’t go through with it. It was quite awkward.”

1. Clients can be terrifying

Although most of the customers are polite and civilised, you do get the odd creep –as you do in every industry. One customer was particularly strange and wouldn’t leave Lucy alone after the massage.

“As soon as I walked into his hotel room, I had a weird vibe,” says Lucy. He was fine through the massage, although he was a bit forward and vocal as though he was pretending to be in a porno.

“But after it was done, he asked for my number. I politely declined because I don’t ever give out my contact details because I like to keep my business and personal lives separate. But he kept hassling me, asking for my email and even my home address, and wouldn’t let me leave. It was pretty terrifying.”

The customer did let Lucy leave in the end, but repeatedly requested her in future bookings. Fearing for her own safety and the safety of her fellow masseuses, Lucy told her boss about the customer’s antics and she banned him from receiving any further massages.

“We erotic masseuses put ourselves in situations that compromise our safety,” says Lucy. “But it’s certainly an interesting life and no day at work is ever dull.”

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